Like Waking up From a Dream…

I’ve really got to say, I feel like I’ve just started waking up.

There was a long stretch of nothingness that lulled me out of life, beginning at the start of this year, and it left me feeling cold, tired, angry and alone. I’m not sure what’s been pulling me back into consciousness, but whatever it is – I hope to keep it up.

I’ve gone through all 9 months this year dealing with depression and loneliness, and that ultimately has meant that I pushed most of the people away that meant something to me and seriously threatened some of the closer relationships I’d been able to hang on to. If this affected you, I apologize. I’m trying to get better.

I’m hoping to start using this somewhat unknown blog as a way of re-creating a lost outlet for expression. Hopefully that will mean another post sooner than 9 months from now. I’m sure it will.

Until next time, friends, I’m back.

Filed under: Life, Reflections

Some News and Thoughts

I’ve finally finished this semester’s cluster of courses. While I was able to take two of them online, I still had a full plate with 12 credit hours. So I’m glad to have a break. I’ve got about a Spring and half-a-Summer semester left to finish up my general education requirements. From there, I’m still deciding whether to pursue a computer science degree at Northeastern Illinois, or Interactive Arts and Media at Columbia in Chicago. The pros and cons are there for each, but Northeastern is much cheaper upfront (no loans!) and is almost in our backyard. Columbia is a hatful of cash and an hour commute to the loop each way. But the program looks really great, so we’ll see what happens.

I’ve finished reading a book called “The Gum Thief” by Douglas Coupland and am midway through a collection of short stories called “A Good Man is Hard to Find” by Flannery O’Connor. Each of these stories, including those in “The Gum Thief” seem to have a few themes in common.  They all deal with the world sort of closing in on either the assumptions that the characters have, or the “secure” possessions or people in life that they cling to. It’s been interesting to read these themes as discussed in the deep south of the 50′s and in the big box office supply stores of today (as in the Gum Thief). Plus I love Flannery O’Connors injection of religious spirituality into her stories as it reflects the tension between God and the Modern Age of the South, but becomes a universal foreshadowing of post-modernity, and that of the subjective morality that her characters encounter. I told Andrea that on this break from school I’m putting myself through an “O’Connor 101″ course, where I hope to read all of her writings.

Christmas is on the horizon and the kids are excited. We’ve been following an advent calendar with a series of small stockings hung across one of our bookshelfs and each drawing a family, Christmas-themed activity from it every night. We also had the kids put out shoes on the 6th for St. Nicholas to come and fill with goodies. We don’t really celebrate Santa Claus, but agreed that sharing the story of St. Nicholas was a good compromise. We’ll probably end up in Michigan for most of the week following Christmas, seeing grandparents on both sides and keeping clear of this unpredictable Chicago winter for a time.

Filed under: Family, Life, Writing, christmas vacation, college plans, family update, o'connor 101, ten gallon cowboy hats, the gum thief

Lights That Turn On By Themselves

We’re back from holiday at my parent’s house in Grand Rapids, having been delayed one extra day due to not wanting to travel through the Sunday night snow storm. It was a really nice visit – full of turkey, insane amounts of pumpkin spice coffee and Lego Star Wars. Since they moved to Michigan last June, our kids have loved hanging out at their house – the spaciousness of it just begs for their favorite games, often with descriptive names like “chase” or “comeandgetme!”. As is necessary of any grandparent’s house, it’s a place that they love to be.

We caught some good movies while we were there – 3:10 to Yuma, We Own the Night and No Country For Old Men, which we’d seen before, but not the super big screen blu ray edition which is pretty sweet until you get to the Scene Where The Bone Is Sticking Out In High Definition, Yikes.

Bones aside, it’s nice to be back for the final stretch before Christmas vacation. Finals for this semester’s classes are slowly clouding my schedule, but I’ll try to keep writing. Until next time!

Filed under: Family, Life, blu ray, Family, lego star wars, movies, thanksgiving, too much coffee

Press a button and it will take you there.

It’s hard for me to believe that nearly a year has passed since we moved into our humble little apartment on Chicago’s northwest side. For the two months before that move, we had shoved our belongings into the corners of my parent’s house, finding space on couches and fold out beds. They had welcomed us until our apartment had successfully been rid of cigarette smoke and cat poop, thanks to its previous inhabitant. It was a long wait, but not having yellow walls that you could randomly stick things to was worth it in the end. For one, it saved about 2 hours of commute time each way. For two, the presence of a TV in their living room enabled the viewing of massive amounts of CSI. Both were equally necessary.

Now, a year later, I sort of wonder if living in the city changes you a bit. It’s a raw place, full of divisions and tensions, but also of creativity and character. Being surrounded by a place like this can be sort of polarizing. You either embrace it for what it’s worth – a collection of flawed people trying to reconcile the reality of who they are with who they wish they were, or you just count the days until you can get out into the suburbs and always have a parking spot. For me, I find that living in the city – with so much happening all around you – and not falling into some level of wary indifference takes effort, most of the time. It can be challenging to make eye contact with people I pass, or to not assume that all drivers want to kill those of us who ride bikes, or to actually want to go out into this crazy mess on the weekends (usually we don’t). This challenge sort of causes you to step back and choose – either actively pursue and nurture the goodness, an alternate way of living – or contribute to what may be seen as a negative by writing it off or preventing its change.

I think part of the idea is that with something so big existing all around you, it can be easy to assume that your presence or actions don’t affect anything that happens, for better or for worse. It takes effort to believe that even tiny things like eye contact can matter.

Filed under: Life, Reflections, chicago, csi, smiling at strangers